HOW DO I LOOK?

I cut my hair last week not the extreme make my mother die type of hair cut but the cute, little bit of hair, kind of cut. Well I love it and it’s easy to maintain. I started thinking the minute I was holding the scissors with one hand and holding a chunk of my hair in the other, what if I don’t look good? What if I had cut too much on one side and I was busy looking like a cheap Rihanna wannabe? What if the scissors I used had rust and I had just given my hair some sick rust disease that would have my head (and hair) maimed for the rest of its life? Or what if am told I need to cut off all my hair and be bald (GOD FORBID) because I got the rust on my scalp?

Ok fears aside whatever the case I figured my pals would tell me first thing if I look terrible or not. Anyway with or without their words of encouragement I think I look awesome and I don’t give two pennies about what other people think. However what if I didn’t? What if I do look like a cheap ass version of Rihanna and Keri Hilson all rolled into one? Would my friends, my boyfriend, be honest with me and tell me “hey you look TERRIBLE.” Would I tell a friend if she did? Is it ethical to be the voice of reason for that mirror that may have lost its touch? Maybe it isn’t! maybe its just not right to tell your friend who happened to cut a HUGE chunk of her hair on a new hairstyle or spent a HUGE amount of cash on new clothes that she looks absolutely positively without a doubt HIDEOUS!!! It would hurt their feelings it would be mean and may come off as being a bit on the jealous side! Right?

Since we don’t want to come off as mean, rude, unsupportive and jealous lets just ignore that hideous hairstyle and that atrocious top that she happened to see “Kim Kardashian” wearing lets face it we love each other not because of what we wear but who we are.

Case in point( exhibit A) so the other day( I remember when it was but just so I can protect my sources)I was in class with a girl with the most horrible weave I mean there is no way you walk into a salon and point at that thing and say THAT’S THE ONE! The only way you end up with that thing on your head is if the hairstylist knocked you unconscious put it on your head before shipping you back to your home and you woke up two days later with that thing sewed on to your scalp and since you woke up a few minutes before class you had to rush to school and I happened to sit right behind you where I stared at you the entire 3hours wondering what the freaking hell happened and I unmistakably blogged about it. What surprised me is the minute she walked in to class her friends went like wow you look so nice how amazing! I think circumstances would have been a whole lot better if a friend had been honest with her and said “that does not make your face look so great and that color doesn’t work with your skin tone and the weaves texture is just wrong.” Just keep off the: you look nice comments. Maybe she is nice but that hairstyle sure was not.

Summing this up maybe the fear of being mean and seeming jealous isn’t so important, the important thing is shielding your friend from looking like a complete clown (and being the exhibit A in some ones blog) I guess if it comes from a place of love and wanting your girl to look fabulous as she usually is, its ok. (And tell her at the end of the day when she is relaxed and not out and about that will make her uncomfy all day!)

New chapter is: a whole lot less bad hairstyles and clothes because more girlfriends are loving and honest with one other, deal?

So for real, like I don’t know already, how do I look? 

DESTINED TO READ THIS ;)

I remember going for the idols auditions back in 2008 I don’t know why I went but so many people were telling me to do it coz I guess I have an ok-ish voiceJ so I did it with no plan whatsoever but that I go, I sing, I get out. I remember singing an India arie song I loved so much but I bored the judge stiff and I didn’t make the cut. I don’t remember feeling hurt or anything like it but that didn’t get me questioning why I wasn’t number one. However, I think a part of me was prepared not to make it, not to be exceptional and not to stand out. I had moments like those over the years where the mere thought of being number one or better than someone else scared the shit out of me. Would they think am just being a show off? Would they think am trying to seem like am better than them? When in essence am just trying to be myself! And that bloody feeling grew from not wanting to shine to me asking God why am not shining. I have amazing friends who are doing so much yet here I am sitting around scared of being different and hating it. I know some of you may read this and wonder what is wrong with this one but the few ladies I have spoken to over the past few weeks have gone through this two phases:

1.     The: I don’t want to outshine anyone phase, despite the fact I am amazingly gifted my friends are mediocre so am mediocre as well.

2.    And the why is everyone else being blessed and am still at the same place phase

 I have grown a bit more and lately I really don’t give a rats ass what anyone thinks about what I do and someone’s success is not a judgmental mirror but a window for a beautiful opportunity that will open for me one day. The only thing I tell people in this place in life is this: you are who you are, this present moment, right now stop trying to live in regret(shoulda, coulda) stop trying to live in the future(its going to be)live right here, right now. Believe the person you are right now is at the right place in life, standing at the exact spot God intended you to be, reading this blog as God had originally intended. This person in front of me (or the other end of the computer) IS meant to shine and once you don’t, something in the universe does not get done, the minute you start killing off your inner light then the world misses out on something beautiful. Doesn’t matter whether you are number one or you barely make the cut, just be you! Someone else’s success does not mean you are any less, just that their time came before yours but still you are in the blessings line-up.

I think back on the idols moment and I don’t ask why I didn’t win, it just wasn’t meant to be my success. I wont be going back to any auditions any time soon not because I don’t believe in myself but because I have discovered a whole lot more that I can do and would love to do. I wish I had a new story about how I have won something and made it big but nah- not yet, it’s coming though I can feel it. I believe things are working like clock work and within Gods plan just find what you love and do it with no regrets it will open doors of success or windows of opportunity in something else. Either way when it’s YOUR time it’s YOUR time and no one else’s. And the church says AAAMMMEN!

JSmile you are on the right trackJ

RENEWING THE FRIENDSHIP VOWS

An old friend reached out to me the other day with somewhat good news and a half pending story which has me scared and worried thinking what could it possibly be that she couldn’t tell me over the phone. The other thing that has me all worried is she didn’t sound so excited to have someone else there with me like an old girl friend she feels the other friends betrayed her in the past so why should she ask for their help. Sadness doesn’t begin to explain how I feel about the fact that she feels this way… are women naturally inclined to be horrible friends to each other? Are we structured in such a way that we can not value one another? And what does that say about ourselves? That a friend feels they can not and will not reach out to us whether in the present or future because we are just NOT TO BE TRUSTED.

I am not a good friend though I try to be, I have hurt others who have loved me, I have offended mocked, betrayed, stabbed(in the back), abandoned, distanced myself from friends. At times because of who they are but most times because of who I am or what I was going through at that time. Now I wonder just how many of those friends are going through something and feel they can not tell me despite because of one small thing I did, it changed that friend dynamic, it made those people think that maybe just maybe momo cant be trusted! And how many friends in response to how I treated them have they also decided to hurt because no one has really stepped up and said this is what true friendship is about spread what I show you. We cant deny the good or bad we show people around us is the good or bad that gets spread around. It’s a ripple effect of some sort.

Don’t we see it every day? We talk about our friends behind their backs, we aren’t their for them when they need us.  shouldn’t their be a girl code that says every lady ought to honour the sacred vows of friendship! Maybe I should have a friend-wedding and all my girl-friends both old and new come and I pledge undying love, loyalty and commitment to them yes wedding dress, religious lleader, cake and all. I think we all need that we all need to feel that I have a girlfriend who will love me and is their for me. So to all my friends both past present and future I will make these vows adapted from the book of ruth in the Holy Bible:

Ruth chp1:16 “…where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die and there I will be buried. May the lord deal with me, be it ever so severely if NOTHING but death separates you and me.” NIV

Maybe each one of us should at least make a vow to our friends and I believe that once we are true to a few then it spreads to so many others out there.

PIZZA CLEANSE ANYONE?

Put that pizza down! Before you throw a plate at me or something, well not exactly pizza pizza just anything that you feel is getting in your way but you love oh so very much. Like that yummy piece of pizza that is going straight to your hips, or that killer attitude that is pushing people away from you and attracting all the wrong ones, maybe it’s a friend or a mindset… basically the problem with pizza especially lots of it is that it tastes so good and yet we cant help but focus on how horrible it makes us feel right after. I spent time with an amazing person over lunch and it turned into a discussion about how I don’t gain weight and how I eat anything I want… its true I can eat a horse and still wont gain fat around the area I believe I was short changed MY ASS! Just two inches will not hurt just one, two! The discussion got a bit sad after she started moaning about how fat she is and how she just wishes she was a size ten or an eight. I kept looking at her thinking she how to me she looks so gorgeous. However the thing that was surprising me is how she was FEASTING on that pizza (I mean literal pizza). Its one thing to complain about how fat you are but I just couldn’t help but stare at how fast that pizza disappeared. Or am the silly one cause maybe complaining about your weight while you stuff yourself=zero calories. How pizza is this delicious thing that we love and at the same time we can mutter such complaints all in the same breathe. It’s got me thinking about the need to take matters into your own hands and doing something about it. For so long my “pizza peeve” has been my attitude towards so many things, towards people towards myself. Seeing myself as a person who isn’t good enough, before this turns into an oprah moment the fact am bringing out is that the minute I dropped that attitude and took matters into my own hands life is literally a bit sunnier now.

One person I am so proud of this week and is a good example of putting down the pizza is sally njiriri she is up in arms doing whatever she can to be healthy her blog is simply beautiful and her passion is just outright CONTAGIOUS! I love it! I love the fact that she is doing what most people our age are afraid to do, open up and say I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY I LOOK and she is doing something about it! Can someone say LOVE! Maybe she doesn’t notice the impact I believe it will have on so many other people in some way, unless you are a rock, sally will get people to see that” hey I can actually do something with my life, my body, my attitude, my mind…” I think once you open your heart to change and stepping out of that comfort zone where you can only complain about it then you learn there is no DEATH in running after what you want. There is no starvation in letting a little pizza go.

Sally has also opened the doors of stepping out in my life as well, for so long I have always wanted to start a positive blog where I can just keep it real and say hey you know what life is effing beautiful so live it right (At least am hoping that’s what people get from it). So maybe this week instead of stuffing yourself with that pizza and  DOING NOTHING but complain about what it is doing to you maybe you should sally up (my new term)and just go on that pizza cleanse for a while.

DEAR GALFREND

I'm not writing this cause am a relationship expert or because my man is the most perfect or I am bored or I am crazy.ok I have lied I am crazy bored with hearing certain things 4rm my girlfriends..ESPECIALLY those in relationships or the confused pits and forced marriages we(but  u know i mean THEY) put themselves in..ladies I am going to say it like it is cause I WISH I WISH I WISH when my heart was broken,shattered,burnt,blown up early last year that a friend of mine got hold of my skinny shoulders and tear stained n mascara cove rd eyes,mucus filled nose,dry lips n told me WOMAN GET A HOLD OF YOUR SELF!! So I'm appointing myself self-proclaimed AUNT TABBY cum Tyra cum Oprah whatever you see fit for today OK just make it this note..
Stop crying for that crazy fool pretending u didn't see it coming cause HUN YOU DID!he stopped calling,excuse: he didn't have credit. Realy? sinc your 9 misd calls last week?he couldn't even okoa jahazi? 'Please why would i borrow cash 4rm a rip off called Safaricom when I can buy?' Then why didnt he? Si ati he z going through hard financial times! Then why didnt those financial times affect him when he was busy chasing your ass? I'l tel u why cause he wasnt man enough to tell u 'enyewe I'm not feeling this you and me vybe!' did he? No!he kept u hanging on for another 5 months and u being the mjinga u chose to be,u waited in the rain he was busy sleeping in his warm bed.
when a man truly wants you..he wants you..hakuna I dont hav credo(for 3wiks)! I lost my charger(seriously?)i've been too busy(like he has the stankass money to show 4 it)after being 'too busy' he better be on the forbes list next year cause i think even that mexican who is number 1 has time for hs mami..ati he wanted time to think about where his life is going (really?i didnt know that thinking took up credit,cash for ngata,cash for fare tto come and see you and say hi but i guess for such an idiot he does have to top up inorder to think)
see theere is nothing as perfect as being detachd esp. As a strong mami! Akikuletea ma oh u know oh u jua just let him eat dust..
Being detached does not mean you become heartles but when you see its over,when you see the signs u easily let go..
But wot excuses do we gve:
1. 'I love him'..does he love you?ans. NO APANA LA!HE DOES NT!AND HE WIL NEVA EVA NEVA EVA LOVE U!zOEA! Its not love if u keep on cryin,its not love if its a one sided affair..its fear,fear to be alone feel unwantd,you dont love him. you just feel like u need him.
2.'you know you dont understand this issue is diferent.' let me think he doesn't talk to you anymore,some chick pickd up his phone and she is not the mum and he doesn't like people picking up his calls,he didnt kiss her she kissed him first,,ummm sweety yea we(meaning all women)have heard them all n truth be told ITS NOT DIFFERENT.
3.'he wil change'yes he wil,he wil change from being your boyfie to your ex..he wil change from being a retard to being an asshole..yes he wil change from bad to worse yes,HE WIL CHANGE.
4.'he is goin through some hard times right now.'what hard times?hard times presing the call button,hard times reading n replying to your texts,hard tyms!!brother please hard tyms my foot!!my dear please OPEN UR EYES!!
I don't know why we are afraid to let go but loving yourself z important,loving yourself means not settling for less, not giving giving n giving and at the end of the day you just lia.
I believ relationships get better n they do! That feeling you think z the most amazing thing that you cant let go of will be stronger the next time round.. I'm not saying you give up when he doesnt cal you for a day but you just jua when you are giving up so much to make it work mpaka you just exhaust all options then you let him go. God sees and He avenges for the futile unapreciatd efforts of a woman i have seen His power and believe He is faithful til the end. Mr. Right is out there dont waste the time you are are meant 2 be with him with Mr. Nisambaze so i can cal u..
Love you first and let other people follow your lead.

BAM

here i am world