I remember going for the idols auditions back in 2008 I don’t know why I went but so many people were telling me to do it coz I guess I have an ok-ish voiceJ so I did it with no plan whatsoever but that I go, I sing, I get out. I remember singing an India arie song I loved so much but I bored the judge stiff and I didn’t make the cut. I don’t remember feeling hurt or anything like it but that didn’t get me questioning why I wasn’t number one. However, I think a part of me was prepared not to make it, not to be exceptional and not to stand out. I had moments like those over the years where the mere thought of being number one or better than someone else scared the shit out of me. Would they think am just being a show off? Would they think am trying to seem like am better than them? When in essence am just trying to be myself! And that bloody feeling grew from not wanting to shine to me asking God why am not shining. I have amazing friends who are doing so much yet here I am sitting around scared of being different and hating it. I know some of you may read this and wonder what is wrong with this one but the few ladies I have spoken to over the past few weeks have gone through this two phases:
1. The: I don’t want to outshine anyone phase, despite the fact I am amazingly gifted my friends are mediocre so am mediocre as well.
2. And the why is everyone else being blessed and am still at the same place phase
I have grown a bit more and lately I really don’t give a rats ass what anyone thinks about what I do and someone’s success is not a judgmental mirror but a window for a beautiful opportunity that will open for me one day. The only thing I tell people in this place in life is this: you are who you are, this present moment, right now stop trying to live in regret(shoulda, coulda) stop trying to live in the future(its going to be)live right here, right now. Believe the person you are right now is at the right place in life, standing at the exact spot God intended you to be, reading this blog as God had originally intended. This person in front of me (or the other end of the computer) IS meant to shine and once you don’t, something in the universe does not get done, the minute you start killing off your inner light then the world misses out on something beautiful. Doesn’t matter whether you are number one or you barely make the cut, just be you! Someone else’s success does not mean you are any less, just that their time came before yours but still you are in the blessings line-up.
I think back on the idols moment and I don’t ask why I didn’t win, it just wasn’t meant to be my success. I wont be going back to any auditions any time soon not because I don’t believe in myself but because I have discovered a whole lot more that I can do and would love to do. I wish I had a new story about how I have won something and made it big but nah- not yet, it’s coming though I can feel it. I believe things are working like clock work and within Gods plan just find what you love and do it with no regrets it will open doors of success or windows of opportunity in something else. Either way when it’s YOUR time it’s YOUR time and no one else’s. And the church says AAAMMMEN!
JSmile you are on the right trackJ
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