EVELYN LOZADA'S LETTER TO HER 7YR OLD SELF

My internet excursions led me to "Fix My Life" by Iyanla Vanzant with Evelyn Lozada. Those who haven't watched it well the episodes are about Evelyn Lozada focusing on positively changing her life. Reality TV fans know Evelyn from Basket ball wives and she is known for her crazy angry outbursts from throwing wine bottles and getting ready to get into a fight with just about anyone. In Fix My Life, Evelyn mentions how her step daughter was imitating her behavior and this led her to reflect on the choices she has made and the personality she has shown on television.

It is such a powerful letter and I thought of sharing it. There is a lot I can say about the impact a woman's choices has on her daughters and this letter is just a reflection of how that is what is important... who we are and what we leave to our children.

"Dear Mija,

In exactly twenty-nine years you’re going to find yourself at the middle of a mess that you unwillingly helped to create... You’re going to be the topic of a discussion about women on a national level that won’t be one of your proudest moments. And as large as your life may be at that time, the truth is that you’re going to feel painfully small.

You’ll look through the rearview mirror of your life and see a mountain of mistakes. You’ll realize that although it appears that you’re living out a dream, your seven year old self could never picture this near nightmare at thirty-six. You’ll remember the days when you drowned out the fighting and drama in your own house and the negativity of the women you loved who ultimately shape who you will become. You’ll recall the moments when you sat in front of the television each day after school in search of someone positive and found Oprah and wondered if people like her would ever be a part of your life, or if you’d always have the jaded ones you watched on Jerry Springer.

You’ll make no excuses for your actions, as a matter of fact, you’ll find yourself in tears at the Ah-ha moment Star Jones forces you to have. Beyond what you’ll initially perceive as a malicious attack by Star, lives a hard truth that will shake you to your core. YOU are the little girl, she’s talking about. And it hadn’t dawned on you the effects that your grown-up actions were having on the next generation of little ones who watch negative and abusive moments unfold on television.

It’ll take the moment when you see and hear your future step-daughters pretending to be “you” after watching you behave badly on T.V., that you’ll actually feel real shame. Knowing that the self image they were imitating was the very ‘image of self’ you will so desperately try to escape. In utter embarrassment you’ll find yourself explaining your unacceptable behavior to them, reaching for the imprint of encouragement felt by Star, Oprah, our First Lady Michelle Obama and other positive women of color that have gone before you and that are prayerfully standing behind you...encouraging you...willing you to stand in the space God will so graciously provide for you." It’ll be the wakeup call you need.

Until now, you’d never put a race, or face or even an age to the eyes that idolize you or see you as an example: be it good or bad. And although, conscious now, you’ll carry the fear of failure with you each second because deep down, you’ll realize that you yourself had never been taught better.

I cannot promise you perfection, Mija. I cannot say that overnight, I’m going to get it right every time. What I will promise you is that I will always remain conscious that little eyes like yours are watching me and because of that, I will try to be better.

Learning To Love You More,

Evelyn"

REFERENCE:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/05/evelyn-lozada-basketball-wives-letter_n_1571505.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hdO2wCWcKA

WHAT YOU SETTLE FOR IS WHAT YOU GET

I have been having a lot of thoughts on the issue of settling for less especially in regards to relationships. It has been weighing on my heart for so long especially since I made a conscious decision not to do that. If we are friends on Facebook my posts have been relating to this for some time but now I guess I should just blurt it all out already.

Every woman goes through those types of relationships where we do not know WHAT we are doing, to those where we do know but we don't know HOW to do it. Then we go through a confusion phase where we want to experience the perks of a relationship without really being in one. Then finally we realize we are worth so much more and we want something real, something that is based on real values and real commitment. I could just be talking about myself here but I think just one or two people can relate with what I am saying. I had to get to a point where I clearly listed down what type of woman I want to be- this is clearly related to who I am and not being unrealistic and then make a choice to do away with the things that have been holding me back (I am still a work in progress). Then I wrote down the type of man I wanted and MADE A CHOICE TO DO AWAY WITH THOSE THAT WERE NOT IN LINE WITH WHAT I HOPED FOR. 

To get something good you have to position yourself for something better. I had to highlight that sentence because one thing I notice is deep down we hope for good relationships, we know what they look like, we know what is involved in building one but we are not setting ourselves up to get into these types of relationships. Why? Because we settle for what we have now and are busy hoping that something better will come along. The present is everything, with it we can truly analyze just where we are and then get a chance to dream, hope and pray for where we want to be. However, you cant just sit on A and dream of Z and hope you will miraculously get there, please note that there are 24 letters between you and your goal. This means that you have to take the first step in running towards what you want, not complaining that A sure does not look like Z. A has always been that way, you knew it was an A when you first saw it and probably fell in love with it so its either you accept that or start gradually progressing through the stages in life that will get you to Z.

When you pick something and you are not happy with it, you either decide to accept it as it is or just let go of it and pray to find something better. Complaining will not change it when in reality we really ought to be changing ourselves especially our attitude. This boils down to how we view ourselves because if you see yourself worth more than what you are getting, then you will jump at the first chance to make it right. A man who loves you will change and do as you suggested but one who doesn't will keep you entangled in his mess. That is when you walk away and when you walk, HONEY WALK, seriously. Do not half heartedly walk and come back the next day, give him time to grow and give yourself time to reflect on what next(notice how I said WHAT next and not WHO next). I used letters to describe the process of letting go of A to get to Z. Not that you date B right down to Y so you get to Z but that you live life through those 24 steps/levels. Build yourself, build your confidence, let go of past hurts, learn how to make yourself happy. It gets very difficult for you to settle for mediocre when you are at a place in your life where you are healthy.

When you look at the type of man you hope for you should also ask yourself,' am I what he would hope for as well? Am I bringing in quality to the relationship and not just a needy person who does not know how to command (not just demand) the best.' Lets face it good quality men are more likely to get good quality women and rarely can you bullshit your way into getting an intelligent man to invest his time and affection on a lady who will only be a huge waste of his life.

Settling is easy but once you have your eye on the prize it will involve a whole lot more than just expecting life to hand you a good thing while you pick your teeth with a toothpick. Get to understand that complaining about a person is just a silly waste of time and you should do away with it. If you want a situation to change then state it, if it doesn't then leave it and build yourself for a healthy relationship.

CONFIDENCE IN LEARNING

I have been having one of the worst weeks, not worst considering I am now a very happy and in love woman (Be sure to remind me to write a post about this and make the unhappy-with-love people hate me) My personal life has been experiencing a lot of love and light but my work life has been quite the proverbial thorn in my side.

I have never been the over-achiever or the best one in my class, all through high school I just made it by and by the grace of God and countless prayers from my concerned mother I got into university. In university I realized the things that God blessed me with a little into my second/third year. Not that I am blowing my horn or anything but I guess in a post about confidence I am allowed to. I am a people person, an encourager, a catalyst (don't hate me :-D) I see what I call people possibilities and I can instantly see what makes people tick. Honestly speaking it has made me friends- other times enemies- and it does give me great opportunities. So basically over the past few years I have been on "confidence-peak" mountain especially about myself and my abilities. I have been confident about what I know and I know quite a lot of things that are confidence raising. So trying to teach me new things was always met with minimal excitement and in turn whenever I was in situations where other people knew more than me I would feel threatened and pull back. Then in walks this job and I am looking at life at a totally different angle, it hits me that I KNOW NOTHING!

Working as an Exec assistant to a very ambitious CEO can be hard. I love my job, I love the experience but I do not like the challenge. My confidence has taken quite the plunge since started taking up more and more administrative work. Let me tell you, I know very little about administrating anything other than myself let alone an organization.

I will save you the tears that followed after the grim realisation that I know very little and for a while my work output had been quite the "how to be an under-achievers manual" lol or chicken soup for the underachiever :-D I just didn't see the point in trying or pushing myself especially since it wasn't good enough and actually trying to do my best seemed like it was too much- too much to learn anyway.

Here comes the light at the end of my tunnel though. I came to a point where I was very complacent with my abilities. "I am not the best communicator but I am OK, I am not the best Exec Assistant but I am OK". I was OK with being OK though I knew in my head that I want to be the best but being the best involves a lot of learning and re-learning or is it un-learning, it involves making a lot of mistakes and facing a lot of correction (funny how I knew this but never really understood). Being the best actually means you are still on the growing process. My boss told me, "Waithera, growing is painful. I will push you, I will demand so much of you and from you and it will be painful." I hated hearing that but it was true, growing is painful being the best will be painful but it also involves a lot of learning meaning you can't be a know-it-all or a complacent-with-all. And I believe that's how confidence in the workplace grows, when you see yourself as a student, no not the one who skips class but the annoying teachers pet sitting at the front who just loooooves this Monday afternoon triple lesson math class whoopp whoop!

How much can you really know? I am thinking not enough, because if you are confident in the fact that you have all this and that you get hit by the strong fact that there are others who have so much more. If you base your confidence in wanting to enrich your mind, body and soul then it can't be shaken and you never get to a point where you say,"well I am the best in being confident, I am at the peak of confidence".

I call it being confident with knowing nothing not so that we just raise our glasses to being bums but confident in the fact that there is so much out there to learn and experience. Then when you experience it, go after it like a child experiencing and learning all this for the first time.

BOOK REVIEW: ATONEMENT CHILD

Have you ever read something that stuck in your mind for years? In 2004 a friend gave me this book and it has never left my mind. My friends must be rolling their eyes by now going like, "that silly book-AGAIN." It's one of those stories you can never shake off and you will always want to tell. So recently at the book store I saw it and I had to have it in my collection, what's the use of reading something so amazing and not being able to read it as much as you can!

It's by Francine Rivers, again! And this time round it isn't like the last review and based off of the Bible. No. This is a modern day story with characters that you are likely to be friends with, know well and chances are it might even be you. That is how relatable this story is and could be why I have had it ingrained in my mind and heart for so long.

Well the story to me is about choices, choices we make or have been made for us that we may not know have repercussions. The story is centered around a female character, Dinah. A young christian girl who has her whole life ahead of her, a fiance who adores her, a supportive network of friends and a family that loves her. The twist comes in when something absolutely tragic happens to Dinah and her picture perfect world starts having these cracks. The question that begs to be asked here is why do bad things happen to good people? Good thing is, you ask this question in the beginning of the book so there a number of pages to answer that question. Well Dinah's values are shaken and what she held close are no longer what she thought they were and now the world seems like a terrible place and God is so far away.

The great thing about the book is how everyones thoughts are so real and relatable but then how God slowly seems to weave a plan that is not just to help one person but to mend broken families and individuals.
The name itself is a testament to what the book is about "Atonement Child" like Jesus. One being who through his existence brought healing to so many people. What it taught me is most of the decisions we make will one day be reflected in our families esp. If we haven't dealt with issues from the past. Secondly, God is all knowing and what we think was meant to break us and tear our families apart are what He will use to bring us together. Lastly, do the right thing not because its whats popular but are you at peace with yourself, with God- then heck do you boo.lol. I have a whole Bible study course planned out for you now :-D I will slowly step back from doing that.
Well, there you have it. That is what I am reading this beautiful first week of May.